“The opposite of security is insecurity,...

and the only way to overcome insecurity is to take risks."

For the last week there has been a dark cloud looming over my head. I had signed up for the Germantown Masters Swim Class, and tonight was my first night. I, Amy Chrest, had to climb back into a swimsuit ... and as if that isn't bad enough, it is a swimsuit in the cold - pale - of winter.

I know... most people would look at me as if I was crazy for being so insecure about it. They would tell me I have nothing to worry about and that I look great, but the truth of the matter is - I hate bathing suits. I'm not comfortable in them, I am not confident in them, and my experience trying to find one last week was a miserable and self defeating task.

It is important to know that you may look at someone and see confidence. You may look at them as motivation and even want to look like they do - but they could be just as insecure as you are… and I was, and I am.

Despite my bathing suit anxiety, I woke up in the morning  feeling pretty excited for the swimming class to start, and to get back into the pool. Nervous, but excited. I've never included swimming consistently into my workout. I may have for a week or two, but I would slowly taper out of it... occasionally jumping back in on random days. The last time I swam, I could do laps for a few hours and not even be tired.... that is not to say that I was fast or had a proper stroke, I didn't know.  It was always just me. I had nothing, no one, to compare it to. I could have looked just as graceful as a fish flopping around on shore as far as I knew. I had no idea what to expect. Not from myself or from the class. I try my best to go into things without expectations but that is easier said then done.

I did find some relief in knowing that Steve joined the Masters Class with me, and that he would be there to help and coach me... judge free.

.... Until I got a text from him in the afternoon saying he couldn't make it. Couldn’t make it?! My feelings of excitement that the masters class was starting instantly dropped and became more of a feeling of dread that the masters class was starting. I was nervous.

For as confident as one may think I am when it comes with anything fitness, I'm actually shy.  My nerves, as they typically did, made my stomach ache. How could I possibly get out of going tonight? I accidentally fell asleep and slept through it? I swear I was on my way and got completely lost and ended up in the middle of bumfuck no where? I came down with a terrible case of the stomach flu and I have been advised to stay within a 5 foot radius of the nearest restroom?

... But I knew there was no way. I have a goal to meet... a goal I want and dream about.... and I needed to get in that pool.

You can easily let your insecurities get the best of you. By stepping out of your comfort zone you expose yourself. It isn't easy....These types of journeys aren't.

But I was ready...

.... and once you push past your insecurities, you get there.

...You get there and you jump right into a lane and swim .... and while you swim, an older man jumps into the same lane and kicks your butt. I couldn't find a rhythm. I stressed about my speed, my stroke, my breathing instead of enjoying the water. My mind couldn't get to a place other then wondering if I could sneak out without anyone noticing.

Every stroke felt like 10, and every minute felt like an hour, and I could still feel the reminisces of last weeks cold in my breathing. I stopped to take a quick glance at the clock.. a half hour, that is it!? The class is 8:30 - 10:00 and I have another hour.

But I wasn't going to leave until it was over. I was going to be the last person out of that pool.

When the man in my lane passed by me, he left a wave of water that would just so happen splash right into my face as I came up to take a breath. The sight of death was upon me as I was drowning... okay... maybe I'm being just a tad bit over dramatic... but it did make me realize just how important it is to fit in open water swims during my training… that and to learn to breath on both sides (another sad sight of drowning).

Eventually Ed showed up. Ed is another member at my gym - and a triathlete. He called me over to swim in his lane so that he could keep count of the laps for me. By this point I had lost track a long time ago.. I think it was somewhere between lap 1 and my near death experience via the splash of death. I was hesitant. I warned him that I was slow, but he tried to comfort me by telling me that he was in the slow lane [which happened to be the end of the pool].

"If you're in the slow lane, I should be there and then 3 imaginary lanes over", I told him. But I gave in.

By this time I had already been swimming laps for 35 minutes or so, and he suggested we swim half a mile - saying I could stop when I needed to. When I needed to?!

He obviously doesn't know me very well yet. I wasn’t going to stop. I don’t care if I am slow, doggy paddling or floating my way to the end of the lane, I was not going to quit…. even if it did take the first quarter mile for my foot to uncramp. 

We swam that half mile in 18 minutes. I still can't tell you where that lies in being fast, slow, decent, or a tad bit quicker then a dead mans float - but considering I had already been swimming for a minimum of a half hour - I was satisfied. He appeared to be as well since he told me I was going to do great in the swimming sections... 

I was more satisfied.

“Have you ever used a pull Pull Buoy?”

What the hell is a pull buoy? He also doesn't know that I am completely clueless about anything swimming.

A Pull Buoy is a foam flotation device that is placed between a swimmers legs and allows them to focus on their arm movements and build upper body strength.

Upper body strength is what I like to hear, I have that. I was surprised at how quick I went … and I think Ed was too. After a few practice laps, he told me to do 20 lengths of the pool .... But even with my upper body strength, by this point in the workout - when he told me I was at length 13 an uncontrollable "ugh" slipped out of my mouth. Before starting 14 he told me to do these two lengths and then finish up the last four without the Pull Buoy.

"I'll do the last 6 with the pull buoy" I said before I swam away.

At length 18 Ed said, "Actually I started after you, so you are done"

"I'll do two more just to make sure"

.... obviously he still hasn’t caught on to my type of personality....

I ended with a workout somewhere between 1.5 - 2 miles....I really need to buy a watch that counts my laps. Ed was impressed... really impressed... especially since I wasn't breathing hard nor was I tired. Coming from an athlete like him, that meant a lot.

I was the last one out of the pool.

"The opposite of security is insecurity...and the only way to overcome insecurity is to take risks". We all have them ... this journey is full of them... but you have to just push them aside and go, or you're never going to get there.

I left the swim center feeling great. My muscles felt strong, my head was high and my confidence up. A complete 180 from when I walked in an hour and a half prior. It won't always be that way. Sometimes I am going to end a workout with more insecurities then when I started, it is just the way it is. But you don't know until you do it. Even if I walked out of there feeling drained and defeated.... I knew I at least left my insecurity of being slower at the door. I knew it now. Now I'll work on it.

I'll read through this tomorrow. My clock reads 12:35 and my alarm is set to go off in 4 hours for my morning run