This past Sunday I had a date... with my mom [what a good looking date, right?!] If you haven't guessed by this point, I love my family.... I love everything about them, and any moment I get to spend with them, I cherish. I hold my parents to the highest regard, so it doesn't come to a surprise that while we sat there I blurted out a question that I find myself frequently asking her.
Are you proud of me?
My parents have done a lot for me. I am absolutely aware that there is no way I could ever repay them for everything they have provided me. I feel the best way that I can show them my appreciation for all they have done and all the sacrifices they have made, is by being the best me I can be.
Thus, I strive to do just that - be the best me. The best daughter, the best sister, the best friend and the best person I feel I can be.
When determining if I've been successful, I look to see if my parents are proud of where I am and who I've become.
I'm sure they didn't say "When Amy grows up, I want her to be an Ironman. I want her to never sleep, never have time and put her body through a great deal of pain" In fact, I know they didn't. I'm sure for a daughter at the age of 26 they had other plans for me... ones that follow more of the 'American Dream'. Sure - that would be nice - but that is a life that if it happens, it will. In the meantime - I am doing what I can to make my life what I want it to be, and that is all I can do. Aside from the white picket fence, I am sure they just want me to be happy.
When I first mentioned the ChesapeakeMan to my mom, I can't say she sounded to ecstatic... because lets face it.. there are a lot of sacrifices I have to make.... but she didn't fight me. All she said was "If it makes you happy".
I've never been a materialistic person... memories mean more to me then possessions. I will not say that I sit here day in and day out and am happy about this journey. Mornings suck, plain food is boring, and missing workouts is frustrating. But the moment in the end is going to bring me more happiness then the little things I miss along the way.
Remembering that is not always easy, though - I have bad days, I fall off track, I am hard on myself... and every time I find myself in that hole of self doubt - I get overwhelmed, I get anxious.... I am what I am today.
In this journey, I not only worry about disappointing myself and disappointing my parents, but disappointing everyone who has wished me luck along the way. Everyone who has helped me in my fundraising. Everyone who believes that I can do it.
I know I'm not going to be 100% all of the time, but I feel that I need to be - or else I'll just be a disappointment... which is exactly what I don't want to be.
Today, I feel like a disappointment.
... and I still don't even want to go to swim class tonight.
[after half a day of debating on whether or not I should post this, here it goes - I'll always be honest]
No comments:
Post a Comment